Change?

So I meet with the director of the sexual assault center tomorrow and I'm actually excited that I'll be doing something productive AND meaningful. 

There's something about the third year of school for me (ok this sentence makes no sense...just try and follow.) My junior year of high school I kind of started to adapt a new way of looking at things and people. I was fed up with who I was trying to be and mad at myself for not being simply ME. So I worked on getting back to myself and trust me it didn't happen overnight. It wasn't until my senior year before I really started to accomplish this goal. Well the same applies to college evidently. The past 3 years I've worked extremely hard at becoming this mindless partying fool to impress people. The only thing is I was working toward impressing the wrong people. Much like in high school- the thing is back home I had already impressed the right people and had made the right friends. Then I went off and thought I needed a new group. I guess its that desire to be apart of the "popular" crowd. But here's the thing about the "popular" crowd- you won't see them in your time of need, they won't pick up on those subtle hints of something bothering you, and they certainly won't want to talk about it. No the "popular" crowd is good at one thing and one thing only; being the center of attention and appearing to the rest of us lowly beings as perfect as if they have acquired some immunity to the emotional state that is being a human being.

I am so thankful for the friends in my life that I had the God honest privilege to grow up with and to bond with. They say you make your life-long friendships in college and while there is some validity to this I think I was lucky enough to have already made those friendships starting back in kindergarten. It truly is a blessing to have people in your life that you have known for the greater part of your existence, who know you better than most people, and who will have those conversations about life and things about it that drive you crazy! 

It is because of these friendships that I have that has driven me to want to get back on course. To get back to being random, goofy, a good listener, and everything else that I used to be. Thats the thing with striving for popularity and not sincerity; do you choose to be the person everyone wants you to be or do you choose to be you? 

It's funny how things repeat themselves and how you think you've learned your lesson. But I think the thing people underestimate more than anything is just how easy it really is to lose yourself. Change is good- encouraged even. But just because something possesses good qualities does not mean it does not also possess bad. It's like everything in the world universe; for every pro there is a con. Having experienced this revelation twice I can say that I am not proud of the person I was trying to be however the pro to this is that I know now more than ever I like 'me'. The off the wall, clumsy, just wants to make people laugh even if its at my own expense guy. So what, if that means I'll attract less of the "popular" crowd. Here's an obvious truth; life is NOT about popularity its about making lasting bonds with the people who remind you that who you are is good enough and just love you for you! 

I'm volunteering at the crisis center because deep down I know this is 'me'. Helping others is something I have always been good at and enjoyed. If I don't have friends in college who can live up to the qualities of my friends from the first 18 years of life then that sucks. But if I know I have times in my life where I just want someone to listen to me then I know there are others who share this need for conversation. I know I take comfort in knowing there's someone in my life who will listen. Why not be that person for someone who has just been a victim? That's real. Thats sincere. 

Hello world! A lot has been going on in my life over the span of the last few months.
Ok, more like a lot of little things that may have actually given me that minuscule nudge to maturing. This summer I got to work at the hospital and the privilege of getting to be thrown in that atmosphere was eye-opening. I want to be a doctor more than anything. The past two years I have greatly questioned that want and in the past year I gave up on that dream. This summer changed all of that. Lets just say it reinvigorated my dreams of med school and a career in medicine.

This summer also provided something else I have needed for quite some time. Some reassurance that I am in fact heading down the right path, that I haven't lost track of the morals that have been instilled in me, and more importantly that I am not growing into some mindless jerk. This summer was in fact successful. I am going to be fine and those morals that I have lived by my entire life are there, if not stronger than before. I guess the best thing in a time of question is to remove all distractions and get engulfed in something entirely outside of what you have been doing to really get a hold of things.

This summer a colleague of mine at work, who I became good friends with, was subjected to a racist remark that she herself did not hear. I however did hear the remark and- ok you really never know how you are going to deal with these situations until you are faced with them. After a few hours of battling over what to do I called my mom to help me attack the dilemma. To my surprise she was reluctant on me reporting the incident because it could jeopardize my future employment at the university. To which my response to her concern was that I did not go to catholic school for 18 years, be taught the difference between right and wrong, to speak up when an injustice has occurred to just do nothing when something like this takes place. That if my doing the right thing means I can not return to UTMB for employment then I do not want to work for an institution that promotes keeping quiet. I went on and did what I felt was right- I reported my shift leader for making a blatant racist remark.

The point of this is not to get some kind of praise or anything but that it really surprised me that I was so adamant on sticking up for someone other than myself. That while I have changed to accommodate the town I live in now-- the true me is still there. But that it also taught me (something I've always known) that you shouldn't change to fit in. I was good about this in high school and staying true to myself but I guess when you move to a new city and have to virtually start over in the friend department staying true to yourself can be quite difficult. But I see now there is no reason to change if anything maybe I need to change who I choose to surround myself with. Maybe I have been trying to fit in with the wrong crowd.

Now to present day. I have found myself missing doing volunteer work or just being helpful in general. In high school I always made time to help my math teacher with whatever she needed help with. Then my high school demanded we do community service and at the time i hated it. I hated it because it was forced but looking back I enjoyed knowing I was helping someone else. So tonight I went online and searched for some volunteer positions in the area. There are a few that caught my eye but the one I would like to do the most is volunteer at the crisis center. I e-mailed the director and hopefully she can find me something to do!