Sundays

Growing up you always are taught everything has a beginning and an end. That we, as people, follow a life cycle that one day will reach its end. We're taught this lesson and yet somehow we find ourselves thinking that the people in our life and, at times, ourselves are exempt from this fact. 

My junior year of high school one of my favorite teachers, since 7th grade, passed away. It has been 5 years since he passed and I can't think of one day I haven't remembered one of his jokes or one of his lectures on the importance of being the best person you can be. You really don't know how much someone impacts your life until they're no longer there. 

I was just sitting at my computer and thinking about things that have been going on and my uncertainty of what my next big adventure is going to be after A&M and what path I should pursue next. I then found myself googling Coach Stig's name and reading letters people had written to Galveston Daily News of their memories of Stiglich. As I read through them I began to get a smile on my face. So many people from over the years that knew Coach Stig, either on the tennis court or in his classroom, all had the same love and admiration as I do for my former Texas history teacher. Like many great teachers he taught beyond the curriculum by giving valuable life lessons along the way. He had this way of letting you know you had messed up or acted inappropriately without really having to say anything. He just had this look of certainty that said 'You and I both know you know better and ARE better." 

One lesson he taught and that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life is being honest and a good person trumps everything else. That you should never allow anything to degrade your character- that nothing is worth it. Then I began to feel bad...really bad. My behavior and how I have handled things as of late I know Coach wouldn't be very proud. Knowing he wouldn't be proud I'm really disappointed in myself. Instead of rolling with the punches and keeping my head up I took the bait and got myself into a juvenile tango. One thing Coach Stig always said was "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink." While this doesn't directly correlate to I'm talking about- it kind of does. While I was nice and tried to portray wanting to develop a friendship and nothing else, the more I kept being put in awkward situations. I tried acting like there wasn't an elephant in the room and that nothing was out of place. 

Thats when I started to get angry because I was trying so hard to make allowances for other people's lack of moral fiber- so that I could develop a friendship. Then I think I started to get mad at myself for being in this situation and for trying to acquaint myself with people who I always have been taught to avoid- those with no clear understanding between right and wrong. In my anger I chose to retaliate; to get even. In doing so, I accomplished nothing but tarnishing my character. But I was so vexed on getting even that every rational thing I ever have been taught just seemed to have left my mind. Thankfully anger has a short lifespan and I have started to correct my wrong behavior in wanting revenge. At the end of the day I didn't do anything wrong until I got on the express train of revenge. For that, I am ashamed of myself. I'm also proud to have had such influential mentors over the years to pass on their wisdom from their experiences in life. You cannot always correct or influence others behavior but you can control yours. I know now what I knew then and foolishly ignored: You cannot ignore the obvious just because you think there is something to be gained. No potential knowledge is worth being put in unnecessary situations that do nothing but make you look bad. That just because you believe people will ultimately choose to do the right thing doesn't mean they will. 

As I write this and still have the countless memories from Stiglich's classroom and his many lectures I can finally be done with this. Finally getting all of this out and not allowing it to harbor inside of me anymore feels really good. It is also a good reminder that continuing to make my past, present, and future mentors proud is more important to me than trying to understand people's intentions and motives behind their actions. I proposed friendship to which they agreed. To only have it come out that I was being lied to from the get go. But that's not my problem and nor will it be. Leading a life of deception is not something I stand for and I don't want people who find it to be ok in my life. So I am washing my hands of this and never thinking on it again. At the age of 23 I still want to make Coach Stig proud and that in itself speaks volumes on the impact he had on my life!

I haven't forgotten my way home...

I have been asked over the years why I think the way I do. How someone my age can see things so differently from my peers. In other words why am I able to see somethings the same way as a well aged adult.

Then others have asked why I am able to be so goofy and always have a smile on my face. Do not be mistaken I too have my not so great days. But I do make it an effort to always smile at people in passing or striking up conversation with a stranger at a car wash. Why? Because when I was younger I remember being told sometimes something as simple as a smile can change someone's entire day. That a smile from a complete stranger can be all of the difference to someone who is going through a lot.

That was a lesson that stuck with me, along with others, because it's true. Sometimes just smiling to someone is just enough of a sign of not being alone and that nothing is too tough or too far from reach in life. I try to live by this because I've seen first hand just how short life can be and is.

When I was 14 years old I saw someone die 10 minutes after I met them. I'll never forget just how confused and hurt I was that day. Still today I'm confused how a life can be taken so abruptly. I sat next to the person at breakfast and within a few miles of driving after eating a horrific car accident took a life. That summer I lost both of my grandfathers within a month of each other. So while I may have my moments of moodiness or just being in a bad mood; I try and hold onto what I felt that day on the highway and that summer when two family members passed away. When it comes down to it nothing is that important to be angry about or to hold a grudge. Life really is too short to be anything but happy. Because no one knows what day will be their last. So I'll keep on smiling and trying to be helpful and understanding when I can.

Everything isn't as it seems...or is it?

Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."- 1 Corinthians 15:33


I really like this bible verse because it is so true and maybe helps explains why, while I do try and get along with everyone, I am picky who I befriend. That's not to say I don't slip up and befriend the wrong people- I am human after all. But I do try and safeguard myself from getting mixed up with the wrong people to the best of my ability. 


This summer has been yet another eye opening summer break where things truly aren't as they appear. I tried to be friends with some people who I typically wouldn't be friends with but I thought 'why not?' My best guess for this mentality would be that this past semester I had to sit out and get treated for my adult A.D.D. before I could resume taking classes. So basically I was bored- to get straight to the point. The sad things is I got a bad feeling about these people from the get-go. Something in me was saying 'No. Stay away. This isn't gonna end well.' I didn't listen, obviously, and I have walked away from this experience more appreciative of being selective of who I associate with and 1000 times more thankful for those I have gotten closer to the past few years of college. These friends truly will be with me forever. 


And as far as these people who I found to be nothing more than problem causers- well my advice to you is to just grow up already! 


Ciao for now

What-if's are more for the never satisfied

The moment we stop thinking of the "what-if's" and who could be in our lives and start to appreciate where we are and who is in our lives- thats the moment you find some happiness and contentment.

Been a long time so just gonna get to it...

Last night I got the most random, eye opening phone call I've ever received. A friend of mine from high school had relapsed after 8 months of sobriety and needed someone to talk to. The thing is I never even knew he was a drug addict and that his addiction started back in 9th grade.

I've never heard someone, who always looked so content and was able to put a smile on anyones face, so deeply depressed and so lonely.
I couldn't believe I didn't notice anything that I wasn't able to pick up one thing to spark my curiosity so that I could have maybe helped back then.

We talked for a little over an hour and I listened to everything he said and then I did my absolute best to reassure him he was not alone in this and that if he ever needs to talk no matter what time of day or night that I'm here. I did my best to reassure him that there are people in his life who do care and that he's not as alone as he feels. God I hope he makes it through this...