Things not taught

Growing up you're taught everything from tying your shoes to riding a bike. The difference between right and wrong. How to treat others and how to be respectful.

With all of that knowledge we absorb as younger forms of ourselves there is still so much we're not exposed to. That we are shielded from to spare us pain- that in all honesty is inevitable. We're not taught that we will experience death. That we will grow apart from friends that we feel inseparable with. And the biggest of them all- we will have our hearts broken.

Thats the lesson you never get growing up. The lesson on heartache. It's rather criminal how obvious the matter is completely never mentioned. We're read stories on true love, how prince charming always ends up with snow white- happily ever after of course. And thats not the only story either! There are countless books and movies about the very subject.

So we grow up with this naiveness that when we fall in love that we will live happily ever after with that person. I mean after all thats how it plays out or are taught how it's supposed to. And yet when it doesn't we find ourselves feeling completely mislead. Like we were the victim of some humorless joke that goes all the way back to our infant selves. We begin to scramble for an answer a solution- anything!

Here's what I've learned in my first time of ever having my heart broken- it sucks! Really really sucks! BUT it does get better if you let it. For me, it took getting over feeling like I should've kept my guard up and stayed single. And to stop blaming myself that I should've known they were bad news. The thing is you almost never can tell how things are going to play out. You can speculate all day long but you'll never really know! And I would never want to go through life with the fear that everyone is going to screw me over. Most of life is a gamble or more accurately 'learn-as-you-go' type of situation. I think I've had such a difficult time coping with it is because I've never had my heartbroken I always did my best to protect it. I was very cautious when it came to matters of the heart. The one time I let my guard down I got burned. But looking back it was bound to happen at some point. I could only shield myself from being a victim of that kind of pain for so long.

Life isn't about how neatly you make it through. It's absolutely about all of the scars you earn along the way. You can't live life to the fullest and learn all that there is to be learned if you're calculating every move you make. Sure you'll spare yourself some pain but you'll be cheating yourself out of so much more. Character is not something that is taught or learned. True character is gained from overcoming adversity.

Life and it's lessons

In all my years I never thought I'd experience at such a young age pure animosity. I'm so appalled and confused that at a such young age people can be so self absorbed, vindictive, and manipulative. But I guess you live and learn and it's really never too early to learn a lesson.

Conscience- A not so easy thing to follow.

I've been all over the place the past several months. Mad, sad, and everything in between. I never understood how people could undergo such an emotional roller coaster without there being something wrong- until recently. It really isn't something understood until you've lived it.

Am I ashamed of my varying emotions? No. Not a bit. Because e all cope with things in a different way. But especially given that when anyone sustains a series of unfortunate events you simply do your best to contend with what you get dealt.

I especially love how during my theme park of emotions- lol- my friends were there for me. And they respected my privacy to not gossip about how random I'd be at times. No no this isn't a tale of misconduct or anything like that. Just some days I'd be exhausted from the stress and others I was able to put my game face on!

But no one likes that feeling when ya know you're personal situations are repeated to third parties in a gossiping manner. It's not like I have proof or anything. Just a gut feeling if you will. And this next thing isn't meant to be an arrogant remark at all- but my gut feelings are usually spot on.

I dunno it just sucks having to accept the reality that you will encounter people who don't respect ya and sometimes those people are friends. But if I've learned anything from the past two years its this; people may not always appear to be who they really are. That doesn't mean you shouldn't give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don't ever want to lose the believe that people are inherently good. And if given the opportunity they will do good.

So I guess in writing this I'm acknowledging this fact about an aspect of life but I'm ok with it. I'm not gonna allow it to change me. At the end of the day all any of us can do is stay true to our conscience.

P.S. I'm gonna begin to utilize this blog more I've forgotten how relaxing writing can be.

Until next time!

Sundays

Growing up you always are taught everything has a beginning and an end. That we, as people, follow a life cycle that one day will reach its end. We're taught this lesson and yet somehow we find ourselves thinking that the people in our life and, at times, ourselves are exempt from this fact. 

My junior year of high school one of my favorite teachers, since 7th grade, passed away. It has been 5 years since he passed and I can't think of one day I haven't remembered one of his jokes or one of his lectures on the importance of being the best person you can be. You really don't know how much someone impacts your life until they're no longer there. 

I was just sitting at my computer and thinking about things that have been going on and my uncertainty of what my next big adventure is going to be after A&M and what path I should pursue next. I then found myself googling Coach Stig's name and reading letters people had written to Galveston Daily News of their memories of Stiglich. As I read through them I began to get a smile on my face. So many people from over the years that knew Coach Stig, either on the tennis court or in his classroom, all had the same love and admiration as I do for my former Texas history teacher. Like many great teachers he taught beyond the curriculum by giving valuable life lessons along the way. He had this way of letting you know you had messed up or acted inappropriately without really having to say anything. He just had this look of certainty that said 'You and I both know you know better and ARE better." 

One lesson he taught and that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life is being honest and a good person trumps everything else. That you should never allow anything to degrade your character- that nothing is worth it. Then I began to feel bad...really bad. My behavior and how I have handled things as of late I know Coach wouldn't be very proud. Knowing he wouldn't be proud I'm really disappointed in myself. Instead of rolling with the punches and keeping my head up I took the bait and got myself into a juvenile tango. One thing Coach Stig always said was "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink." While this doesn't directly correlate to I'm talking about- it kind of does. While I was nice and tried to portray wanting to develop a friendship and nothing else, the more I kept being put in awkward situations. I tried acting like there wasn't an elephant in the room and that nothing was out of place. 

Thats when I started to get angry because I was trying so hard to make allowances for other people's lack of moral fiber- so that I could develop a friendship. Then I think I started to get mad at myself for being in this situation and for trying to acquaint myself with people who I always have been taught to avoid- those with no clear understanding between right and wrong. In my anger I chose to retaliate; to get even. In doing so, I accomplished nothing but tarnishing my character. But I was so vexed on getting even that every rational thing I ever have been taught just seemed to have left my mind. Thankfully anger has a short lifespan and I have started to correct my wrong behavior in wanting revenge. At the end of the day I didn't do anything wrong until I got on the express train of revenge. For that, I am ashamed of myself. I'm also proud to have had such influential mentors over the years to pass on their wisdom from their experiences in life. You cannot always correct or influence others behavior but you can control yours. I know now what I knew then and foolishly ignored: You cannot ignore the obvious just because you think there is something to be gained. No potential knowledge is worth being put in unnecessary situations that do nothing but make you look bad. That just because you believe people will ultimately choose to do the right thing doesn't mean they will. 

As I write this and still have the countless memories from Stiglich's classroom and his many lectures I can finally be done with this. Finally getting all of this out and not allowing it to harbor inside of me anymore feels really good. It is also a good reminder that continuing to make my past, present, and future mentors proud is more important to me than trying to understand people's intentions and motives behind their actions. I proposed friendship to which they agreed. To only have it come out that I was being lied to from the get go. But that's not my problem and nor will it be. Leading a life of deception is not something I stand for and I don't want people who find it to be ok in my life. So I am washing my hands of this and never thinking on it again. At the age of 23 I still want to make Coach Stig proud and that in itself speaks volumes on the impact he had on my life!

I haven't forgotten my way home...

I have been asked over the years why I think the way I do. How someone my age can see things so differently from my peers. In other words why am I able to see somethings the same way as a well aged adult.

Then others have asked why I am able to be so goofy and always have a smile on my face. Do not be mistaken I too have my not so great days. But I do make it an effort to always smile at people in passing or striking up conversation with a stranger at a car wash. Why? Because when I was younger I remember being told sometimes something as simple as a smile can change someone's entire day. That a smile from a complete stranger can be all of the difference to someone who is going through a lot.

That was a lesson that stuck with me, along with others, because it's true. Sometimes just smiling to someone is just enough of a sign of not being alone and that nothing is too tough or too far from reach in life. I try to live by this because I've seen first hand just how short life can be and is.

When I was 14 years old I saw someone die 10 minutes after I met them. I'll never forget just how confused and hurt I was that day. Still today I'm confused how a life can be taken so abruptly. I sat next to the person at breakfast and within a few miles of driving after eating a horrific car accident took a life. That summer I lost both of my grandfathers within a month of each other. So while I may have my moments of moodiness or just being in a bad mood; I try and hold onto what I felt that day on the highway and that summer when two family members passed away. When it comes down to it nothing is that important to be angry about or to hold a grudge. Life really is too short to be anything but happy. Because no one knows what day will be their last. So I'll keep on smiling and trying to be helpful and understanding when I can.

Everything isn't as it seems...or is it?

Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."- 1 Corinthians 15:33


I really like this bible verse because it is so true and maybe helps explains why, while I do try and get along with everyone, I am picky who I befriend. That's not to say I don't slip up and befriend the wrong people- I am human after all. But I do try and safeguard myself from getting mixed up with the wrong people to the best of my ability. 


This summer has been yet another eye opening summer break where things truly aren't as they appear. I tried to be friends with some people who I typically wouldn't be friends with but I thought 'why not?' My best guess for this mentality would be that this past semester I had to sit out and get treated for my adult A.D.D. before I could resume taking classes. So basically I was bored- to get straight to the point. The sad things is I got a bad feeling about these people from the get-go. Something in me was saying 'No. Stay away. This isn't gonna end well.' I didn't listen, obviously, and I have walked away from this experience more appreciative of being selective of who I associate with and 1000 times more thankful for those I have gotten closer to the past few years of college. These friends truly will be with me forever. 


And as far as these people who I found to be nothing more than problem causers- well my advice to you is to just grow up already! 


Ciao for now

What-if's are more for the never satisfied

The moment we stop thinking of the "what-if's" and who could be in our lives and start to appreciate where we are and who is in our lives- thats the moment you find some happiness and contentment.