There's something about the third year of school for me (ok this sentence makes no sense...just try and follow.) My junior year of high school I kind of started to adapt a new way of looking at things and people. I was fed up with who I was trying to be and mad at myself for not being simply ME. So I worked on getting back to myself and trust me it didn't happen overnight. It wasn't until my senior year before I really started to accomplish this goal. Well the same applies to college evidently. The past 3 years I've worked extremely hard at becoming this mindless partying fool to impress people. The only thing is I was working toward impressing the wrong people. Much like in high school- the thing is back home I had already impressed the right people and had made the right friends. Then I went off and thought I needed a new group. I guess its that desire to be apart of the "popular" crowd. But here's the thing about the "popular" crowd- you won't see them in your time of need, they won't pick up on those subtle hints of something bothering you, and they certainly won't want to talk about it. No the "popular" crowd is good at one thing and one thing only; being the center of attention and appearing to the rest of us lowly beings as perfect as if they have acquired some immunity to the emotional state that is being a human being.
I am so thankful for the friends in my life that I had the God honest privilege to grow up with and to bond with. They say you make your life-long friendships in college and while there is some validity to this I think I was lucky enough to have already made those friendships starting back in kindergarten. It truly is a blessing to have people in your life that you have known for the greater part of your existence, who know you better than most people, and who will have those conversations about life and things about it that drive you crazy!
It is because of these friendships that I have that has driven me to want to get back on course. To get back to being random, goofy, a good listener, and everything else that I used to be. Thats the thing with striving for popularity and not sincerity; do you choose to be the person everyone wants you to be or do you choose to be you?
It's funny how things repeat themselves and how you think you've learned your lesson. But I think the thing people underestimate more than anything is just how easy it really is to lose yourself. Change is good- encouraged even. But just because something possesses good qualities does not mean it does not also possess bad. It's like everything in the world universe; for every pro there is a con. Having experienced this revelation twice I can say that I am not proud of the person I was trying to be however the pro to this is that I know now more than ever I like 'me'. The off the wall, clumsy, just wants to make people laugh even if its at my own expense guy. So what, if that means I'll attract less of the "popular" crowd. Here's an obvious truth; life is NOT about popularity its about making lasting bonds with the people who remind you that who you are is good enough and just love you for you!
I'm volunteering at the crisis center because deep down I know this is 'me'. Helping others is something I have always been good at and enjoyed. If I don't have friends in college who can live up to the qualities of my friends from the first 18 years of life then that sucks. But if I know I have times in my life where I just want someone to listen to me then I know there are others who share this need for conversation. I know I take comfort in knowing there's someone in my life who will listen. Why not be that person for someone who has just been a victim? That's real. Thats sincere.
